All God’s Children

It is normal for children to fight over toys. Parents can dramatically reduce this conflict by teaching their children that the concept of "mine" implies the concept of "yours."

Children are ready to say "mine." But the concept of "mine" is meaningless without the concept of "not mine." Parents should teach children about property rights early. If they don't, they will spend years trying to sort out squabbles over who did what with whose toys. These squabbles may continue into adulthood. (Think of the many disputes that take place over inheritance.)

Parents should lay down the law early. This means that they must also enforce the law. Law requires punishment for law-breaking. If there were no police, judges could not do their work. If there were no judges, legislators could not do their work. Law enforcement is a system. It begins at home.

Rule: a parent who lays down the law must then enforce the law. Are you ready to enforce the law?

1. The law of "mine" in the home means that a brother or sister must honor the owner's property.

4. There must be swift, predictable justice for every violation of property rights, every time.

Teach him to understand the concept of "mine." "Mine" is an enforceable property right in the home. You must let the child know that you will always enforce both "mine" and "yours" with equal predictability. Then you must follow through.

If a child, especially an older child, uses a toy that belongs to a sibling, and the sibling says, "give it back," the older child must instantly give it back. If the unauthorized user hesitates for more than an instant, for any reason, the victim should go to the parent and ask for justice.

The parent must then enforce the law. After suitable questioning as to the facts of the case, if the older child is found to have used the toy belonging to the other child without permission, then the older child must pay the younger child restitution. This is the Bible's rule:

If the theft be certainly found in his hand alive, whether it be ox, or donkey, or sheep; he shall restore double (Exodus 22:4).

If the thief were to suffer no penalty except having to return to the victim whatever belonged to the victim in the first place, then it would pay to be a thief. The would-be thief would think, "If I get caught, I will have to return this. But I don't have it now anyway. So, I won't be any worse off if I have to return it, but if I don't get caught, I'll be ahead." He is therefore more likely to steal. On the other hand, if he is forced to pay double restitution, he thinks: "If I get caught, I will be a lot worse off than I am now. I had better not risk it."

It is no different with small children. They can calculate benefits and costs. If you, as the law enforcer, are ready to enforce your own rule regarding property, and if your children really believe you will, then your children will not borrow each other's toys without the owner's permission.

If you shrug off the fact that child #1 borrowed the toy of child #2 without child #1's permission, you are going to spend years listening to endless complaints by victims. Also, you may see victimized children growing up who really despise their siblings.

The parent who stands ready to enforce the rule and impose punishments -- restitution, not swats -- on the perpetrator will find that the violations cease. The would-be thieves know that there will be an unpleasant event for getting caught.

Restitution is the way to go, not swats. If the victim gets something out of the deal, even a nickel, he will be content. He got justice. The older sibling had to pay him something. It really doesn't matter how much. Meanwhile, the older sibling hates having to pay the victim anything. He has lost face. He hates to lose face a lot more than he hates giving up the nickel.

This means, once and for all, that you must reject forever the phrase "tattle-tale." Tattle-tales are people who seek justice. If people who are victims are discouraged from seeking justice by appealing to the authorities, then one of two bad things will happen. First, they will remain victims. Second, they will seek vengeance on their own. The Bible says this is wrong.

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord (Romans 12:19).

If this is true about civil government, then it is also true about family government.

It is possible that one child will lie about what the other one has done. The first child wants to get the second child in trouble. The first child becomes a false witness. The Bible has a rule governing this. The liar must pay to the victim whatever he had expected that the court would force the victim to pay him.

If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong; Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the LORD, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days; And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother; Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you. And those which remain shall hear, and fear, and shall henceforth commit no more any such evil among you (Deuteronomy 19:16-20).

If a child lies about his brother or sister, and you can prove this, then the liar must pay to the victim whatever he had hoped that the victim would be forced to pay him.

So, to end disputes over toys, which are disputes over "mine" and "yours," start enforcing the law. No child ever has a legitimate excuse for borrowing the toy of another child without first getting permission from the owner -- not from a parent, but from the owner. You must stand ready to enforce this rule.

When your children understand this rule -- and it's an easy rule to understand -- and when they are convinced that you will enforce the restitution penalty on the rule- breaker, they will quit fighting over toys.

There is one more rule to make this system work. You must not force one child to let another child play with his toys. Never, ever do this. "No compulsory sharing."

When you force children to share, you are creating incentives for endless squabbles over who should be allowed to use what. They will keep coming to you. "I want to play with Billy's toy, but he won't let me." Here is the proper response to this complaint: "Whose toy is it?" The child knows. If the child keeps complaining, repeat the question. Keep repeating it until the child stops complaining or says, "It's his." Then you reply: "Then he gets to say whether or not you may use it. Right now, he says that you may not use it. That ends the debate." Do this five times in a row, and they will quit badgering you.

Most children are willing to stop borrowing another child's toy if they are sure that other children will not be allowed to borrow their toys. Their desire to see a parent defend "mine" is greater than the desire to borrow another child's toys.

If you are ready to defend victims from thieves, then you can reduce the conflict over toys.

Teachers uphold children's property rights in our facility. Children are not allowed to use another child's toys, including a toy supplied by our facility that another child is playing with. We have very few conflicts over toys between children who have been attending for longer than a month. They learn quickly.

Our teachers understand the rule governing property rights, which is why they enforce "yours" and "mine" with consistency.

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Graphics courtesy of Bobbie Peachey, Licensed to About, Inc. reprinted with permission